Just in time for The Final Girl Film Club, a monster kid reimagining of The Exorcist called The Demonic Possession. This one is really effective, and has a few additions to the plot that seem straight out of The Evil Dead, despite being made years earlier than that film. If your idea of a good time is watching kids with feathered hair and Adidas shirts slap each other around to the theme from The Exorcist, then you’re probably me.

I’m going to make you my Wi-otch!

Four pretty teenage boys descended from witches and born with magic powers must fight an evil force in their midst.

The Covenant is one of those films which I cannot recommend to anyone without losing whatever little credibility I’m still clinging to. Still, it exceeded my incredibly high low expectations.

This is one of the most vapid, shallow pieces of entertainment I have ever seen. The Covenant not only departed from any reasonable attempt at storytelling but couldn’t even keep within the confines of its own rules for more than ten minutes at a time. Plot lines established in the beginning disappeared to make way for 11th hour story elements. Characters followed the same route, suddenly disappearing from the scene or even worse, simply standing around doing nothing at all. Everyone looked as if they were cast from the same hard body mould, making it nearly impossible to differentiate between characters unless you were a 14-year girl with a subscription to Tiger Beat. Any attempt at suspense failed miserably. The lead-up to the final confrontation had all the urgency of going down to the corner store for a litre of milk. And as for scares, there was only one small scene that even attempted to establish the danger of the occult. As a matter of fact, despite lip service to the ramnifications of excessive use of witchcraft, no visible damage was done and the what little bit of theme the film tried to establish was lost on the entire cast. Forget Harry Potter; if the evangelicals want a scapegoat than they should look no further.

Really, I could go on forever. So how could I possibly enjoy a train wreck like The Covenant? Because it’s a big, beautiful, campy, homoerotic train wreck, of course. The second I saw the trailer with all those high cheekbones and confused attempts at meaningful stares I was hooked. You know you’ve struck gold when the biggest concern for the characters is that using their powers will cause them to age and look icky. I kid you not, this is like a big-budget David DeCoteau film, and if you know what I’m talking about you’ll enjoy every smouldering moment. Scenes of ripped, hairless jocks waking up covered in sweat and jizz are scattered about like so many Reese’s Pieces, leading us further into a world of manly grappling, locker rooms and low-slung swimming trunks. The entire audience was composed of guys confused about the stirring in their pants and the teenage girls taking notes for the slash fiction they’ll write when they get home. It makes me grin just thinking about it.

Was it worth it? Hell, it was worth it for the final scene alone, quite possibly the most divinely anti-climatic finale I have ever witnessed. Could I recommend it? Not on your life.